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It occurred to me the other day that we have collectively done a truly outstanding job of identifying every conceivable minority group and establishing specialized sets of laws and language, statutes and standards, rules and rights, privileges and policies that can be specifically applied to each and every one of them. Obviously, the intent behind all of this nonsense is to ensure that we “level the playing field” and make absolutely everything absolutely fair for absolutely everybody.

A whole lot of work has gone into all this, and I think we should be really fucking proud of ourselves. We have effectively addressed the particular concerns and needs of pretty much everybody…people of different skin colors, people of different religious persuasions, people with disabilities, people with different sexual inclinations, short people, fat people…you name it.

Of course, we could have accomplished the exact same thing without all the legal hassles, committees and commissions. With twenty seconds worth of effort and a penny’s worth of black and yellow ink and just a few dabs of Wite-Out, I could have saved us all a lot of trouble.

Simply change “all men are created equal” to “all people are created equal”

Problem solved!

However, I feel obligated to point out that there is one minority group that we have somehow managed to overlook…those who throughout the course of their lives have commonly been referred to as “just plain stupid”.

Stupid people are clearly an underprivileged and much maligned minority who would, if they were smart enough to think of it, undoubtedly prefer to be referred to as “intellectually challenged”. But since they’re probably not cognizant of the fact that they are often regarded and treated as second class citizens, it is up to those among us who actually understand the meaning of the word “cognizant” to take legislative action on their behalf. Thus, in the interest of improving the quality of life for people who are just too dumb to get out of their own way, I would propose that the US Congress immediately enact what I will lovingly refer to as “The Bag of Hammers Act”.

Following is a brief list of some critical elements that I would propose be included in this ground-breaking legislation:

  • All secondary schools should be required to implement a standardized testing procedure for all 12th graders prior to graduation, to determine if any of them might qualify for an official “IC” designation. This test might be officially titled The Intellectually & Developmentally Impeded Occupational Tests (similar to the SAT’s and GMAT’s…possibly known as “The IDIOTS”).
  • All graduating seniors who have been officially assigned the IC designation should be provided with a special IC emblem to be affixed to their car license plates and a special non-removable IC bracelet with a built-in transponder chip. Law enforcement officials, medical facilities and financial institutions would most likely need to install detection devices that would alert them to the proximity of IC designees and treat with them accordingly.
  • Specially designated IC parking areas should be established immediately at all public buildings, shopping malls, commercial centers and office parks with bright red ground markings, oversized parking spaces and appropriately large flashing red neon signs positioned directly overhead, with an arrow pointed at the ground that says ‘YOUR CAR GOES HERE”. Unlike the Americans with Disabilities Act, it is recommended that the IC-designated parking areas be situated in more remote sections of parking lots (think about it).
  • It is suggested that IC’s have daily limits placed on their ability to purchase lottery scratch tickets…and that casinos and gaming establishments be obligated to install IC chip-tracking equipment so as to be able to monitor and, if necessary, mitigate the losses of IC’s visiting their locales. They should also be required to post federally-approved IC Gambling Advisory Notices.
  • Financial institutions (and their agents) that offer loan and/or investment opportunities of any kind should be required to prominently post large-format IC Investment Advisory Notices (printed in large bright letters with small and simple words), and maintain on their premises during open hours, a specially-trained and government-licensed D.I.D.® (Dumb-It-Down) service provider whose job it would be to help IC’s fully comprehend the risks and obligations associated with the financial transactions they are considering, including: loans and mortgages, insurance policies, stock purchases, etc.
  • New standards should be put in place requiring manufacturers of potentially hazardous products and materials to advise IC-designees of inherent dangers by adding approved warning labels and installing appropriate sensors in their packaging and products that will react to the nearby presence of an IC bracelet transponder. Note the following examples:
  • Automatically activating vocal warnings should be installed in all devices with heating elements such as stoves and toasters with a recording that states in an authoritative voice, “This object will get extremely hot and burn you if you are not careful.”
    • Similar vocal warnings should be required for all knives and cutting implements, as well as any electrical devices that have the potential to come in contact with water.
    • Specialized electrical devices might require more specific messages, such as…”Please do not put your fingers or anything you do not intend to eat or drink in this blender.”
    • Microwave ovens should have both motion sensors and metal detectors installed in their interiors so as to prevent an IC from inadvertently (or intentionally) putting a small animal or metal object inside.

I envision a Junior Senator from Iowa named Tolliver Dolt (D), one of the bill’s co-authors, delivering this impassioned speech on the Senate floor…

“I believe that this nice new bill will be of great benefit to the millions of less smarter individuals amongst us. Those of us who are intellectually challenged will no longer be thought of as dummies or fools…no longer talked about as stupid or dimwitted. Rather, from this day forward, those who are officially recognized with the IC designation will simply be thought of, and treated as, people who don’t think quite as well as everybody else. I only wish that this action had been taken many years ago when I was a child.

It is estimated that somewhere in excess of five percent of the nation’s people in the population of the United States would, if tested, be immediately identified as IC designees and be afforded all the benefits outlined in this plan. And the experts that helped provide the research behind this bill have made it very clear that IC’s are all around us…hiding in plain sight…individuals with jobs and responsibilities just like everybody else. In fact, to quote the head researcher for this project, and one of the people who helped develop the new testing standards……the man who also provided invaluable assistance to Senator Dickward Dodson and myself in drafting this bill, Dr. Rupert Gurp said in his recent report to the committee…and I quote…

”The Intellectually Challenged cannot be identified by outward appearance nor during the course of most normal conversations or activities. That is precisely what has made it so difficult for us to develop this standard. IC’s are not autistic and most show no evidence of innate learning disabilities. Their brains simply have a tendency to cease normal predictable functioning at unpredictable intervals…episodes that can last for moments or months. On the whole, we must simply accept the fact that they’re just dumber than other people. And while we do not yet have the ability to cure the condition, we most definitely have the ability to make things easier for them and mitigate some of the inherent dangers they pose to themselves and those that surround them.”

My friends…that’s a lot of really big words…but I will ask you to please take a look around you. At this moment, there are roughly 650 people sitting here in this chamber. Doctor Gurp’s research tells us that at least 32 and a half of the people here among us would be likely to receive the official IC designation after participating in the new testing. And I stand here before you to tell you that I have personally taken the test, and I am proud to wear my brand new IC bracelet.

This is a great day for America!”

And, in a show of supremely awkward pride and solidarity, I’m guessing that the Junior Senator would probably put his right fist up in the air, and reveal the brand new, bright and shiny IC transponder bracelet attached to his wrist…for all the world to see…and there is little doubt in my mind that at least 31 and a half of his fellow members of Congress would immediately follow suit.

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