THE NEW ALL-CARB DIET
Forget all your media-driven fears about carbohydrates! All these free-thinking radicals who tell you to stop eating carbs and chemicals…i.e., eliminate all the really fun and yummy stuff from your diet…these joyless nutjobs are going to soon bring an end to Western Civilization if the more sane people among us don’t manage to get them to shut the hell up right fucking quick.
It’s all about the carbs. That’s what they say…and I agree completely. It is all about the carbs. Follow me on this…
We suffer through the tryptophan-laden-thanksgibbon turkey just so we can get to the stuffing, the mashed potatoes and the pecan pie. The people who tell you that they love the turkey are fucking liars. There…I said it! Somebody had to!
Sure, McDonald’s makes something that they laughingly refer to as a hamburger…but isn’t it really all about the fries, the cheese, the bun and the super-sized Coke? Isn’t it? And when the folks at Wendy’s® came up with The Baconator®, they were basically just saying “Fuck it!”, weren’t they? Well, why not go all-in on this concept and eliminate the non-essential beef patty component that’s really just taking up space? So…please allow me to introduce The Carbonator™ and the BacoCarboNator™.
Carbs clearly represent the most critically-important part of the food pyramid…the fun, the colorful, the inventive and the truly exciting part. Why in the fuck do you think we finish our dinners with dessert? And why do you think you can do so many interesting things to prepare carbs for consumption?
Just ponder this for a moment…how many truly different ways can you cook a piece of beef? You can grill it or fry it. You can bake it or broil it. You can chop it up and throw it in a stew. And I suppose (in theory) you could simply boil it (which sounds positively disgusting). You can’t really “get creative” with it. It’s a fucking piece of beef. You can’t really hope to make it into something other than what it is. But how about some of the simple every day carb-tacular ingredients that we so foolishly endeavor to eliminate from our diets? Think about this shit!
RICE – What can’t you do with rice? You can boil it, fry it, bake it…you can make it into noodles, risotto, pudding, arancini or goddamn breakfast cereal! You can even make it into mother-fucking sake! Let’s see you do that with a hunk of beef.
POTATOES – Let’s start with chips and fries and bread…latkes, pierogis, chowders and dumplings. And what about vodka?!?
WHEAT – The undisputed, undefeated, unrivaled king of the carbohydrate universe! Where do I begin? Birthday cake, cookies and crackers? Pies, breads and muffins? Donuts? Pancakes and Waffles? Pastas, pizzas and pizzelles! Try turning a chicken thigh into anything that would even come close to competing with one of those delightful choices. Don’t be silly-ack!
Obviously, the idea of eliminating carbs from your diet is absolutely fucking insane. It would also be nearly impossible to do and, within a few short days, you would probably start contemplating suicide from the complete lack of fun in your diet. Broccoli is not fun. Neither is calf’s liver (especially not for the calf).
Wouldn’t it just be a whole lot easier…a whole lot more fun…to eliminate everything else from your diet and just eat carbs? That’s why myself and my team of super highly untrained professionals have developed the new Keto Shmeeto™ diet plan…a radical new approach designed to help you stop trying to shed pounds and burn fat…and start focusing on a much less stringent and stressful dietary strategy. Keto Shmeeto isn’t about losing weight. Keto Shmeeto is about gaining fun!
Imagine a meal that started with a bacon fried rice and mashed potato sandwich topped off with plenty of melted cheddar cheese and some smoked almonds (to give it a nice little crunch)…then add a huge ear of Mexican street corn on the side and follow that up with a fresh out of the oven brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce. Now that’s a fucking meal! You could even wash it all down with an ice-cold Shmeeterbeer (“Extra Carbs – Zero Regrets!”).
Of course, there is no way of predicting what kind of havoc Keto Shmeeto might wreak on your waistline…or your digestive system. There could be horrible side effects…and I have to wonder…if you can get the “meat sweats” from eating too much meat, what would you get from eating too many/much carbs…carb cramps?
The New & Improved Carbtacular Food Pyramid Brought to you by your friends at Keto Shmeeto