FREE UNLIMITED CHEESE SAUCE
Those are dark, ominous words…horrifying words. I can feel my arteries seizing up as I type them. Who the fuck came up with this idea?
Those four individually-innocent words were at the core of a huge billboard advertising campaign for a big restaurant chain that had a location not very far from my home. I saw this message for the first time about a year ago. I haven’t been able to get this stupid fucking phrase out of my head ever since.
I envision the big, high-powered marketing meeting…with all the gang decked out in their very best corporate attire…
“OK Everybody…sales are flat all over the country and we need to come up with a really big idea. Something new and exciting…and different. Something that will really grab people’s attention. Something totally over the top!”
“How about a buy-one get-one-free burger deal?”
“Are you fucking high, Jerry? Burgers are all we’re selling these days. That would absolutely kill the bottom line.”
“How about some really fun scratchy tickets where you could win a free order of small fries or a fountain drink?”
“We did that last year Hermione. That didn’t really do shit for business, but we did give away a fuckload of free french fries. Besides…everybody does that same old shit. It’s tired. It’s boring. It’s ten years ago! No…we need something big! Something really spectacular! What do you have Fritzie?”
“Well…I don’t know…I’m thinking about four big words…in big bold letters…on billboards all across America. I’m thinking……FREE UNLIMITED CHEESE SAUCE!”
“Myyyyy Maaaan Fritzie! That’s it! That’s exactly what I was looking for! You’re a mother-fucking genius Fritzie! FREE UNLIMITED CHEESE SAUCE! I fucking love it!”
“You got it Boss! I can see that plastered on gigantic billboards on all the major interstates across the U.S.”
“And who doesn’t love FREE?”
“You betcha! And who doesn’t love CHEESE SAUCE?”
“And best of all guys………Who doesn’t love UNLIMITED!!!”
Smiles, nodding heads and plenty of high-fives all around…
You know that’s exactly how that meeting went. Fritzie is probably a senior vice president now…but the American Heart Association undoubtedly has a picture of him on a big “WANTED” poster hanging up in their offices…
And in my twisted little mind, I have visions of people filling up bathtubs with gloopy, lukewarm kind-of-like-cheese sauce. What could possibly be more luxurious? And how about little inflatable swimming pools loaded to the gills with it…and nearly-naked women holding cheesey-covered wrestling matches in friendly trailer parks all across the Midwest. And I envision a worldwide shortage of tortilla chips as people keep shoveling the stuff into their mouths by the gallon…
Holy Shit!!! … FREE UNLIMITED CHEESE SAUCE … Old Fritzie should either get castrated for that idea…or win a Nobel Peace Prize … not sure which…
