An ex-Presidente named Trumpone morning was taking a dump.He gave a big squeezeas he started to sneeze,and his toupee plopped into the sump. OK…I guess it’s not really a toupee…which is fucking incredible…so shoot me.By the way…in a completely unrelated line of inquiry…I know he gets a Secret Service detail for the rest of his […]


It occurred to me the other day that we have collectively done a truly outstanding job of identifying every conceivable minority group and establishing specialized sets of laws and language, statutes and standards, rules and rights, privileges and policies that can be specifically applied to each and every one of them. Obviously, the intent behind […]


So, I have this rather quirky theory that there exists a highly secretive society of international soccer referees…with unadvertised, unpublicized and unrecognized chapters in every “corner of the globe” (stupid expression that makes no sense). I envision it to be a cult-like organization…a mysteriously dark and sinister brotherhood (I realize that this is an unfortunately-very-gender-specific […]


I pulled into the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts in Dorchester, Massachusetts the other day…sort of a drizzly morning. As I got out of the car, I stumbled across this tragic scene. This gigantic russet…all beaten and battered and very far away from his farm in Idaho…had clearly had a very rough night…probably lost […]

Why do guys who play the banjo always look so fucking happy?

Why do guys who play the banjo always look so fucking happy? Have you noticed that? I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody playing the banjo that didn’t look absolutely giddy and gleeful while they were doing it? It’s kind of odd, I think. John Fogerty and Paul McCartney notwithstanding, serious guitarists pretty much never […]

So, I’m starting a new business…

So, I’m starting a new business… For the longest time, I’ve been dreaming up and writing down interesting ideas for names of ought-to-be-existent musical groups…and stage names for wannabe actors and actresses. Over the years, this has become kind of a hobby…in reality, perhaps a bit more like an obsession…but now I’m actually thinking of […]


FREE UNLIMITED CHEESE SAUCE Those are dark, ominous words…horrifying words. I can feel my arteries seizing up as I type them. Who the fuck came up with this idea? Those four individually-innocent words were at the core of a huge billboard advertising campaign for a big restaurant chain that had a location not very far […]

Whatever happened to Italo Pizza?

Whatever happened to Italo Pizza? At various seemingly-random points in my life, that same peculiar question has popped into my head completely unannounced and unexpected…”Whatever happened to Italo Pizza?”…just as it did a moment ago. One and three-quarters of a city block from the apartment building where I grew up, just off the corner of […]

APISH 1001 Ways to Piss Off Your Wife

So, I’m working on a possible sequel to my still-unwritten-and-unpublished book, 1001 Ways to Piss Off Your Wife. I’m just hoping to get some input/feedback that might help with the project…take the room’s temperature if you will. As those of you who’ve never had the opportunity to read the original are clearly not yet already […]

APISH See Anything Similar

Notice anything similar about these two images? So the other day, my daughter pulled the last little blue face mask out of the box of 50 it had come in. I picked up the empty box to fold it flat and throw it in with the recycling bin, when a tiny slip of paper fell […]