APISH 1001 Ways to Piss Off Your Wife

So, I’m working on a possible sequel to my still-unwritten-and-unpublished book, 1001 Ways to Piss Off Your Wife. I’m just hoping to get some input/feedback that might help with the project…take the room’s temperature if you will.

As those of you who’ve never had the opportunity to read the original are clearly not yet already unaware, the first volume may someday be filled with many of the more common and widely recognized things you can do to set her off:

  • LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP (obligatory and rather obvious)
  • PUT THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER WITHOUT RINSING THEM OFF
  • FAIL TO KEEP YOUR TOENAILS NICELY MANICURED
  • USE FOUL LANGUAGE IN PUBLIC
  • BELCH LOUDLY (and long is even better than loud)
  • MISS WHAT SHE SAID THE FIRST TIME

The sequel I am herewith proposing (an ambitious undertaking to say the least) would be devoted to the more esoteric and far-less-predictable methods that I have discovered and meticulously catalogued over the course of three marriages (although the first two didn’t really count). Some of the more surprising yet highly effective ways to get your “beloved” going:

  • CRUMPLE UP PLASTIC WATER BOTTLES SO THAT THEY WILL TAKE UP A LOT LESS SPACE IN THE RECYCLING BIN (the sound is apparently problematic)
  • COOK BACON BEFORE SHE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING (and I ask myself… What could possibly be better than waking up to the smell of bacon?)
  • FAIL TO KEEP YOUR HAIRBRUSH CLEAN (did any of us even know that this was on the endlessly-evolving and largely incomprehensible “to-do” list?)
  • FORGET TO IMMEDIATELY SAY YES TO EACH AND EVERY QUESTION THAT BEGINS WITH THE WORDS “Is it OK if I…”(this is living dangerously)
  • HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT ANY TOPIC THAT IS INCONSISTENT WITH THE OPINION YOU ARE EXPECTED TO HAVE EVEN IF YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOUR OPINION IS SUPPOSED TO BE (and just accept the fact that these are things that you simply ought to know…even if you don’t, can’t or couldn’t possibly)
  • EAT TOO MUCH OR TOO LITTLE (despite the fact that you have never, at any point, been provided with clearly stipulated and prominently posted “Acceptable Consumption Standards”)

All of these are likely candidates for inclusion in the probably-never-to-be-forthcoming 1001 More Interesting Ways to Piss Off Your Wife. But of all of them, my personal favorite is undoubtedly:

  • BRING A CUP OF COFFEE INTO THE ROOM WHILE YOUR WIFE IS IN LABOR (honestly, I’m lucky I survived that one)

Friends…there is undeniable joy to be found in the discovery of new and exciting ways to make your wife a little bit angry with you. For me, it’s practically a hobby. But, please don’t get me wrong. You don’t want to do something serious like lie or cheat or steal. I’ve done those things. They don’t blow over.

My approach to what I call the “art” of pissing off your wife is to inadvertently and organically identify things that she really hates and then keep doing them over and over again. The coffee thing was admittedly sheer happenstance. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the aroma of coffee to have that effect on her…but once in a while you just get lucky. Thankfully, I never found myself in the position to be able to repeat that one…because I probably would have been stupid enough to do so and she undoubtedly would have found a sharp object to stab me with.

I love my wife more than anything. I would never want to lose her and, one time, I think I almost did. So now, I’ve made myself into a bonafide expert at pissing her off just enough… just enough to feel like I’ve accomplished something…but not enough to get myself thrown out of the house.

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